Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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