if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
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Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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