The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
As shirtless as possible
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
