guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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