i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
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Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
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I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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