there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
