Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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