Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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