so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
