good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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