I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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