I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
