She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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