I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
