just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
