Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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