dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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