Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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