so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
