Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
