My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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