is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
