worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
