Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
