Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
