is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
