so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
