I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
