paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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