Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
