I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
