why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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