I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
