I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
