I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
