tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
