oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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