sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
