I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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