my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
