my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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