I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
