there's paper in my vomit.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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