Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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