I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
