I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.