He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.