Sorry, I don't speak sober.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.