I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
