I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
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I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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