I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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