I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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