i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
