If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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