Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
