there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The Olympian is in my bed
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