So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
