I cannot find my penis.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
