i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
