the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
do herpes really smell.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
